Before you decide to Just Adopt! By Coleen Mietzner

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Many people going through fertility treatments wonder if it’s worth the trouble.  Treatments are extremely taxing in many aspects of one’s life.  You are usually physically “off” due to hormones, broke due to cost and lack of medical coverage, emotionally and spiritually questioning faith and Why Me?  If you had a crystal ball and knew the outcome, it would help answer that question of worth.  News flash, there are no crystal balls.  Everyone in this scenario has to make their own decision on when/if to make the switch to adoption.  Loved ones, knowing your struggles, may offer the advice “Just Adopt”.  “Just Adopt”.  Sounds so easy.  I’m going to “just adopt” (sigh).

Some couples really struggle with this as one person may be ready to switch gears before the other.  Some may want to exhaust every effort to have a biological child.  It is really important to them to share the bloodline and see their eyes in their child’s eyes.  Others would love to skip additional heartache and start down another path.  It’s more important to have A child than a BIOLOGICAL child.

Fortunately, my husband and I were on the same page with this.  We got married in our mid-thirties so we knew time wasn’t on our side.  We gave treatments a little more than a year and together decided to switch.  During our last IVF (last of 4), we started researching adoption.  My anxious personality requires I always know my plan B.  We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.  This was yet another roller coaster with so many options and decisions to make.  There was foster to adopt, International adoption, private adoption and agency adoption.  All these paths have pros and cons to consider.  And, the pros and cons are personal.  What is a pro to me, may be a con to you.  For example, you rarely have an open (personal information is shared between biological family and adoptive family) adoption with an international adoption.  Is that a pro or a con to you? They all have their own process, costs, requirements etc.  WOW, but my friend said to “just adopt”!

Making the switch, you have to make sure you are at peace with it and are not rushing to your point of next!  You have to grieve the fact that you are giving up that bio connection.  How does that make you feel to never experience a little one kicking from the inside?  Your water will not break, you won’t get to be in control of all the prenatal recommendations (vitamins, no caffeine, no sushi etc.)? You give up control.  This is a new leap into the unknown.  You need to go through all the stages of loss.  They all apply!  This process, again, is very different for everyone.  Read up on loss, cry a lot and talk it out!  Talking to others who have experienced this type of loss is invaluable.  Music is great therapy for me and always has been.  I, personally, started the grieving process during my fertility treatments.  Some may have called that negative and that I should have been flowing with positivity.  I called it honest with myself.  I know myself well.  I actually made the call to the social worker to start our adoption home study, the day after I got the results of our last IVF and have not looked back.  We were very at peace and ready to move forward.  I pray you can deeply reflect on this post and gain clarity, if this is your next step.

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